I’ve often thought about how we approach marriage today. Many see it as a destination or a feeling to be maintained, but the more I reflect on it—and the more I dive into the wisdom of thinkers like Tim Keller—the more I realize that marriage is less of a romantic comedy and more of a profound, life-altering covenant.
If I’m being honest, I think most of us don’t truly understand unconditional love until we witness it through the eyes of a parent. You love a child when they have nothing to give; you love them even when they acquire traits that are, frankly, undesirable. I believe marriage should be approached with that same “at the get-go” unconditionality.
Here is what I’ve been processing lately regarding this sacred institution:
1. The Enemies Within
If we are looking for the root cause of every problem a marriage encounters, we don’t have to look further than the mirror. Self-centeredness is the ultimate enemy. It is the foundation upon which every conflict is built.
Right beside it sits its close cousin: Self-pity. It’s easy to feel like the victim in your own story, but self-pity is just a derivative of being too focused on oneself. When we make the marriage about “me” instead of “us,” we’ve already lost the plot.
2. Priority and the “Best Friend” Standard
Your marriage is either a priority, or you don’t have a marriage at all. It’s that binary. When your marriage is healthy, everything else in life—your work, your hobbies, your social life—tends to feel aligned. But when it’s not? The results are the exact opposite.
I’ve also come to believe that your spouse has to be your best friend. Marriage is essentially the most intense type of friendship. It’s the space where someone is completely honest with you and about you. If there’s something you’d tell a “friend” that your spouse wouldn’t understand, or if you feel you have to exaggerate things so as not to overwhelm them, then there’s a gap in intimacy that needs closing.
3. The “Covenant” vs. The “Feeling”
We live in a world that worships feelings, but love is an action first. The feelings are just the passengers; action is the driver. You must give even when you don’t feel like giving.
Tim Keller once noted that whoever you marry, you will eventually fall “out of like” with them. Sometimes this even happens before the wedding! This is why people flee during engagement or courtship. But marriage isn’t built on “like”—it’s a covenant and a promise.
There’s a beautiful distinction between Eros and Philia (or Phelos):
- Eros: Two people looking at each other (attraction).
- Philia: Two people standing side-by-side, looking at the same thing—a common horizon.
4. Readiness and the “Butterfly” Vision
How do you know you’re ready? It’s not when you find the “perfect” person. It’s when you are willing to stand publicly before all authorities and promise to be tender, loving, faithful, and cherishing to a person in all conditions.
If you can’t see the “butterfly” in the “caterpillar” that is your partner, marriage will be a very difficult road for you. You have to be able to see the potential of who they are becoming.
5. The Power of Oneness
A husband and wife are one. This means your spouse holds an incredible amount of power in determining your sense of self-worth and self-appreciation. It’s a weight we must carry with extreme grace.
Interestingly, the Bible expects different paths of growth:
- For the woman: Maturity is often found in becoming interdependent.
- For the man: Maturity is found in becoming dependent (on God and the strength of the union).
A husband is never allowed to “take” headship; he can only receive it from his wife, and his only standing command is simple yet herculean: Love your wife as Christ loves the church. It’s an undeserved love, and that’s exactly how God intended it.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, marriage is only an analogy—a small, flickering shadow of the great marriage between Jesus Christ and the Church.
Whether you have the “gift of singleness” or you are pursuing a covenant, we must remember that marriage is sacred. Nothing—not parents, not work, not even children—should come between that bond. Don’t just inherit traditions from your past; be brave enough to make new ones.
I hope this helps someone think a little deeper about the “I do.” See you next week!