I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about how we approach romance in our generation. Often, we’re told to “follow our hearts,” but the heart can be a bit of a chaotic compass. I recently picked up “Dating Intelligently” by Laju Iren, and it felt like a refreshing, sobering splash of water to the face.
The book challenges the modern “vibe-based” approach to relationships and insists on a more intentional, Christ-centered strategy. Here are the core insights that stayed with me:
1. The Friendship Foundation
We often complicate romance, but Laju Iren simplifies it: A romantic relationship is essentially a very good friendship with a spice of romance in it. If the friendship isn’t there, the spice won’t have anything to stick to.
2. The Danger of Aimless Dating
One of the most striking points in the book is the link between “aimless dating” and sexual temptation. Dating without marriage in mind creates a relationship with no clear reward for faithfulness. When there’s no “finish line” or commitment in sight, it becomes much harder to navigate the boundaries of physical intimacy.
In fact, she suggests that you should enter a dating relationship not just with a general idea of marriage, but with a specific timeline in mind.
3. Dating vs. Courtship: The Intelligence Shift
There’s a powerful distinction made here:
- Dating is often the time we love “blindly,” caught up in the butterflies and the “chase.”
- Courtship is the time to love intelligently.
The effort you put into the “chase” shouldn’t be the peak; it should be the baseline. If anything, you should be putting in more effort once you’re actually in the relationship.
4. Learning from the Past (And Your Parents)
We are all products of our environments, and Laju Iren emphasizes being intentional about learning from past relationships—especially those of our parents.
- If they had a great marriage: Don’t assume yours will be great by default. You are different people. Study what they did right.
- If they struggled: Analyze the dynamics. What went wrong? Use those lessons as a roadmap of what to avoid.
5. The “God-Factor” and the Truth
In any relationship, the outcome of telling the truth might not always be what we desire in the moment. However, as Christians, we are called to honesty. We can trust God—our first love—to be with us through the fallout of the truth.
There’s also a stern reminder: Your love is not magical. It cannot save someone who hasn’t been saved by the love of Jesus. As a Christian, if the person isn’t a believer, “don’t even think about it.”
6. Guarding the Heart and the Eyes
Laju Iren is very practical about fidelity. She calls infidelity a crime of opportunity. To prevent it, you have to “lock the doors.”
- Don’t give yourself room to appreciate the attractiveness of others.
- Resolve now that your partner is the smartest and most beautiful person you’ve ever met.
You will meet people more “conventionally” attractive than your spouse; the intelligence lies in deciding, beforehand, that your partner is the ultimate standard of beauty for you.
7. Navigating the Logistics
Finally, she touches on the practicalities of a shared life:
- Long-term plans: Are your goals in dissonance with theirs? It’s better to find out now so everyone can end up fulfilled.
- Negotiables vs. Non-negotiables: Know the difference. Don’t use a rigid list to push away someone who could bring you joy, but don’t compromise on the things that define your character or faith.
- The Provider Question: A man is called to provide, but the book asks us to consider: What happens when he can’t? It’s a call for both partners to be prepared for the realities of life.
Final Thoughts
Dating intelligently isn’t about removing the “magic” from love; it’s about giving that magic a solid, healthy structure to live in. It’s about moving slow, being honest, and keeping your eyes wide open until you stand at the altar.
If you’re currently navigating the “single and searching” or “dating” phase, this is a must-read. It’ll save you a lot of heartaches.